Cut it out

In these sleazy tabloid times, I have a confession to make: I read the Daily Mail website. DON'T JUDGE ME. I may not have adopted their self righteous right-wing attitudes (yet...!) but I do enjoy their vapid celeb articles.  [This is as old as the hills but still makes me laugh: The Daily Mail-o-matic headline generator - sample: 'Have Benefit Claimants Made British Swans Obese?]  Anyway, I noticed there seems to be endless 'news' articles about celebs wearing bikinis, either 'showing off her stunning figure' (or 'flaunting her curves' if she's considered a bit fat).

I usually skim over these, as my retinas had only just about recovered from the assault of Toni Terry's slutsuit, when another WAG type unleashed ('leash' being an apt word) this stupid thing:

I have no idea who this woman is but she is dating a footballer with a name I can't spell

Now you might think it's not that bad.  But look closer.  What are those stupid tape measure-like straps and rivet holes?  What's the point?  I think that the trend for cut-out swimsuits or monokinis or whatever seems to be getting more extreme.  Designers must be wondering where else they can add superfluous straps to and cut holes from (eek!).  Obviously they’re not particularly good for swimming in or comfortable (Toni’s wedgie still makes me wince) but the thing that bugs me the most is how ridiculous the tan marks must be.  The main purpose of these cozzies is obviously for posing and sunbathing in, but the wearer must have to slap on a very high factor sun cream and spend most of their time in the shade or covered up, which would defeat the object surely? I have a bad enough time trying to avoid strapmarks. Can you imagine what you’d look like underneath if you spent too long in the sun in these?

The Christmas tree torso effect

Your belly would be as patchy as my picture layout skills

Plus only a very small proportion of the population would actually be able to wear these things.  If you had any hint of love handles they'd ooze out of all the holes.  But I guess that's the idea, isn't it?  It's for these celebs to show that they are not built like ordinary people and are rich enough to afford less fabric.  Fine, okay, I'm not bitter but just remember, there's a fine line between sultry and porny. Or this...

"I like!"